With a mediator

Ask your ex-partner if they would be open to participate in the mediation process. An appointment will be made for an initial meeting.

During the initial meeting we discuss the guidelines described in the mediation agreement. This way everyone knows where they stand. The spouses and the mediator sign the agreement. Then mediation can begin. We decide which topics to discuss and talk about urgent issues. Is there a solution? We then make arrangements for how to work from here on out.

We work on mutual communication; what is actually the core problem? Is there old pain getting in the way that needs to be addressed?

We collect and share relevant information, such as bank statements or a valuation report of a house.

The spouses negotiate each problem that requires a solution. Then they reach agreements.

The lawyer-mediator confirms the agreements in a divorce settlement and a parental plan. Once everyone agrees on the content, the spouses sign both documents. The lawyer-mediator submits the request for divorce, including requests to ratify the divorce agreement and the parental plan. This means that the agreements made are also registered with the court. Then the agreements are executed. A home, for example, might be sold and the belongings distributed as discussed during mediation.

1. APPROACH YOUR PARTNER:
Share with your partner the option of mediation to handle the divorce.

2. COLLECT INFORMATION:
You can ask your mediator for a list of all the information needed for the divorce. Create a folder and begin gathering this information. The more information you can find ahead of time, the better your mediator can help you.

3. CONSIDER A PARENTAL PLAN AHEAD OF TIME:
With your partner - if you have children - try to come up with a parental plan before beginning mediation.  The parental plan contains your agreements about the children. Drawing up a parental plan is a precondition to getting a divorce. You can request a model parental plan from your mediator.

We can hardly talk to each other; is mediation a suitable option for us? What happens if mediation fails? Are agreements made during mediation as valid as a court ruling?

Mediation has many advantages. For example, a mediation process is much shorter than court proceedings. Issues can typically be resolved with just three meetings, while court proceedings can drag on for years. Moreover, mediation is far less expensive. The spouses share the costs of the mediator. When going to court, each spouse must pay for their own lawyer. In addition, everyone pays the legal costs (known as court fees, or in Dutch: 'griffierechten'). Finally, mediation addresses the underlying problem. Sometimes a disagreement about money isn't about money at all, but about other problems within the relationship. Old (and new) pain often make proceedings complicated and lengthy. A judge spends little to no time on this, while a mediator does. Resolving the old pain means solving the problem (for good).

Mediation also works when the parties involved are not on speaking terms. The mediator discusses why communication is so difficult or impossible. The spouses work on their mutual communication.

So what happens if you can't work it out despite mediation? Then you can still hire a lawyer. The mediator may not serve as the lawyer for either spouse. Any agreements made during mediation and confirmed in a settlement will remain valid. This also applies when mediation stops before everything has been arranged. A mediation process is always valuable, even when terminated early. The information gathered can be used in the court proceedings. Moreover, the court often redirects the parties involved to mediation. This will not be done as quickly when mediation has already been attempted.

Your situation is already difficult enough with a divorce coming up. Experience shows that these tips will help you get through the separation process more easily.

1. COME PREPARED:
Come prepared to the consultation. No matter how you approach it, divorce proceedings are costly. You pay a relatively high amount for something you thought would never happen to you and something you're not looking forward to. Be sure to have collected all of the information on the checklist provided by the lawyer. Having trouble finding some of the information? Of course, your lawyer can help you.

2. YOUR FINANCIAL STANDING AFTER THE DIVORCE
Look into your financial position after the divorce. What will your costs be? And your income? What tax allowances will you be entitled to after a divorce? What about child support, income dependent combination rebate, childcare allowance, etc. This will give you a little more certainty about your finances. The lawyer can of course assist you with this.

3. GET HELP:
If you are struggling emotionally to process the divorce, don't wait to seek professional help. When you spend too much time in the grief or anger phase of the "grieving process", it can prevent you from finding the right approach to think about the future.