Multiple parenting is spoken of when there are more than two parents. Consider a male couple with a female couple who decide to have a baby together. Or a male couple with a single mother. This is also known as intentional multi-parenthood. The difference between this and, for example, a donor construction is that a donor is not considered a sire or a parent. With multiple parenthood, this is the case.
In this blog, we provide 10 tips you should think about when entering into a multiple co-parenting/intentional multiple parenting agreement.
1. Discuss well with each other what your motivation is for entering into a multiple parenting agreement. What do you want for the child in this construction? What do you want for the other parent(s) and what do you want for yourself? State what you think are the strong points of your parenting arrangement. You can even choose to include this in the multi-parenting agreement in the so-called preamble (which is a piece of text explaining the agreement that you can include at the beginning of the agreement). It is also good to discuss with each other how you are during a period when things are not going so well for you and what does and does not work for you then. Do not underestimate the impact of the sensitivity of the subject and also take into account the influence of hormones. Often the underlying desire for children is a desire that has been around for a long time and a lot has preceded its realization. So there are several people involved with their sensitivities, vulnerabilities, expectations and fears. Therefore, it does not take much to disappoint one of the parents if, for example, you do not pay enough attention to each other’s interests. Express this to each other. Be aware of your own needs and ask for needs of the other. This also applies to hormonal influences. Some people suffer greatly from their hormones during and after pregnancy and others do not. Be prepared for the worst; then it can only be better than expected.
2. Make arrangements in the multi-parenting agreement about when the father will acknowledge the child. As a mother, it is good to realize that this is an important moment for the father(s) and there may be a fear that a mother may not want to cooperate after all. For example, you can agree that the two of you will go to the municipality at 20 weeks of pregnancy to arrange recognition. You must have already chosen a last name by then. Read more about this in our blog about the new name legislation.
3. A very difficult subject, but you should talk about it: What will you do if during the pregnancy, for example from the NIPT test, it appears that the baby has an abnormality?
4. Agree on the delivery. Who is present and who is not? When will the parents be notified once labor has started?
5. Agree on the birth announcement card. You may choose to use the text on the birth card to make the family structure clear.
6. Agree on how you want to organize the maternity period. There are cases where mothers have moved into the fathers’ home during the maternity period so that all the parents can experience the birth together and help each other.
7. Think carefully and seek advice on how the care arrangement (the access arrangement) will be set up. Often there is an arrangement in which the child spends more and more time with the other parents. Take tip 2 into account. It may be that the mother thinks it is a very good idea before the delivery for the child to spend a night with the father(s) after, say, 4 weeks, but finds it terribly difficult when the time comes. You can agree that the mother(s) will stay with the child for the first few weeks. For the final care arrangement, you could seek advice from friends or family who are divorced; how did they structure this and what works and what doesn’t?
8. Think about parenting rules. For example: we like to reward positive behavior.
9. Think about how you want to divide the costs of the child. You can follow the rules for child support. Do not forget the child benefit, the Child Budget and child care allowance.
10. It is wise to have the multi-parent agreement recorded in a notarial deed at the notary. Then the agreement has just a little more evidential value in case one of the parents unexpectedly no longer wants to keep to the agreements.
And an additional tip: When entering into the agreement, get advice from an experienced expert, such as Janneke Mulder of Uiteen.