Multi-parenthood is spoken of when there are more than two parents. Consider a male couple who decide to have a child together with a female couple. This is also called intentional multi-parenting (or co-parenting).
Often, parenting with two parents is already very challenging. There may be parenting differences, communication styles, etc. Multi-parenting involves three or four people with their sensitivities, vulnerabilities, expectations and fears. Therefore, it does not take much to disappoint one of the parents if, for example, you do not pay enough attention to each other’s interests. Unfortunately, we regularly have to deal with parents with a multi-parent structure where things do not go well. We have formulated a number of tips for this.
1. Seek help in time. If you wait too long, something may be irreparably damaged such as trust in each other. Uiteen specializes in multi-parent mediation.
2. Schedule regular (say once every three months) meetings with all parents where you really take the time to check in with each other. Connect, show interest in the others and share with the other what you are up against. Be aware of your own needs and ask for needs of the other person. Note: these are different conversations than, for example, weekly conversations where you go over the upcoming week’s schedule with each other.
3. Remember that in most cases, wrong parenting choices are more harmful than conflicted parenting. “Choose your battle” but properly guard your own boundaries as well. With guarding boundaries in parenting, you are always making a connecting move toward the parent rather than stating your boundary and walking away. Parenting can sometimes be unfair. As long as the best interests of the child come first.
4. Respect the differences in each other’s homes. A child is generally flexible and can understand different rules in different locations (think school, at grandparent’s house and so on) just fine.
5. If you have already tried everything (mediation, coaching, etc.) and really can’t manage to improve communication, get information about a parallel solo parenting program. In this context, a Parenting Coordinator (PC) can also be helpful. Read more about the PC here.
Contact
If you have questions about multi-parenting, please contact us at info@uiteenfamilierecht.nl or call 010 452 74 03. We are ready and happy to help.